Still not "In"

I spoke to our translator again today. He told me last Saturday that our lawyer expected us to be back in PGN on Wednesday or Thursday of this week. So I not-so-patiently waited until this afternoon to call and find out if we were back in. We are not. The new expected date is Monday or Tuesday. There literally are not words for the frustration, anger and helplessness I feel. I truly feel in some moments that this might never happen for us.

This blog is not about a pity party for me, or us. But it is a journal of this experience. So in the interest of being completely frank, I will say exactly what I feel. What is it that we have done to make the simple act of creating a family so difficult? What did we do to deserve the profound, perseverative pain of not having a child of our own? And as I asked my dear friend Kristin, when is it our turn? She assures me that I will understand why all of this pain had to be endured once Gabi is home. She knows, better than anyone, EXACTLY how I feel. She just went through the exact same thing. But I can't help but think-- why does it happen for everyone around us, but never us.

I never felt a sense of betrayal when friends got pregnant. I never felt that way when they brought their children home from their birth countries. But the truth of the matter is, I feel that way now. And no matter how much I try to squelch it, it is very, very real. I am sick and tired of having to "trust" that it will happen to us because it happens to others. I would do just about anything to be able to know it from my/our own experience. I am tired of seeing every single one of our friends have/or bring home their children while we wait, what I would consider up until now, VERY PATIENTLY.

I know how unfaithful I sound. And I'm sure God is sick and tired of my doubting. I know how He feels. I'm sick and tired too. But I truly don't have it in me to deny the doubts and pure sadness that I feel. I've never in my life felt so desperate and brokenhearted.

One last thing-- I've always found it very unsettling how cautious newly pregnant parents have to be after the experience of a miscarriage. Many friends and family members have been through this and I've watched as they thwart the happiness that they desperately want to feel, but can't because of the reality of what they just lost. This is yet another moment that is stolen from them. This is what I feel today and so many days. Kristin begs me not to get my heart set on a date for Gabi's possible homecoming. And I try so hard not to, so I won't be disappointed. But dammit, I am sick of the joys that have been stolen from us through the years of infertility and the continued setbacks in this adoption. I just want to celebrate my child the same way so many others have been blessed to do. Is that really so much to ask after so many challenges in this arena? Please, somebody set me straight.