Home Again

I arrived in Chicago on Friday night after a 2 hour delay leaving Houston. I spent the night with Christy and Dave and was privileged to babysit Lucy on Saturday. Then I headed home to Champaign where I arrived at about 9 last night. I haven't had a chance to post until now.

I will admit that giving Gabriella back to Mariela was more painful than I expected. It wasn't that I wasn't prepared for pain, but it's difficult to comprehend how painful it will be when you haven't yet experienced the joy of having her in your arms. By the end of the week, I had hit a high that I could not have imagined. So when Mariela arrived, her mere presence sent me bawling. I had to walk away to get myself under control. The blessing is that Gabriella did not know what was going on.

Well, from there it just got funny. Kristin and I walked out to the car with the girls. Mariela packed everything into the car and she put Gabi into the carseat that Kristin donated. The thing is, it's a seat that is used for babies from 5 to 40 lbs. So it's huge. She looked like a little peanut in it. The awful (yet funny) part is that Mariela has no seatbelts in the backseat. The carseat was held in by nothing. Then she took Reagan, put her in her lap and drove away. Now, never in a million years would I condone this behavior. But Guatemalans do not use careseats. So Kristin and I stood there sobbing and laughing at the cruel reality of the situation. We needed to laugh because our hearts were breaking.

The salvation that Kristin and I both felt is that we will be back. These are our girls. Reagan will be coming home soon and Ed and I will visit again soon. We then hope to be traveling to pick her up in a few months. These are our daughters, we have to go back. They're waiting for us to bring them home and we are waiting for them to bring us the joy that we've dreamt about. I know that sounds like a lot on a child's shoulders. But it's what every child unwittingly does for their parents. A child doesn't have to be the smartest, prettiest, most athletic, cleverest child to bring immense joy to their family. She just has to be a child. And that is joyful.

I laughed at myself for schlepping the video camera all the way to Guatemala to film a two-month old. I mean-- what does she do? The thing is, she doesn't have to do anything. Just being a two-month old is enough for us. We don't get to bring her home now and I don't want to forget the little things she is doing at this age. So I filmed her cooing and flailing her arms, kicking her legs, crying and laughing. All of that brings me enough joy to make it to the next visit... I hope.